Drunk

He is so drunk he peed and shit himself. I cannot deal with this anymore.

I thought this sentence twice, once while I hoped he slept it off in my apartment and then again before I took the plane home.

Being in that relationship was a dark and hallow place of what I thought was love. It turned out that he loved himself more. I was always afraid the alcohol was going to kill him. Maybe that’s what he wanted.

How do I help him? How do I convince someone they need help?

I don’t like watching him hurt himself. I don’t want him to die. This is hard. Probably the hardest thing I want to do at my age.

How do I stop enabling this drinking that he calls a solution?

I need my mother. I know that sounds cliché but she will know what to do. It’s crazy how that happens. At one point in my life (teenage years) I thought I knew everything, turns out I don’t know shit. Thank god for mothers and fathers.

Today was supposed to be a fun day of drinking that turned into a nightmare.

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Don’t Ask Questions

“I know a place we can go!” I grabbed her hand. “Just run!”

“Are you sure you want to do this?” She asked grabbing my shoulder making me face her. Her face was up close and personal to mine. She might still be intoxicated.

“I bet he keeps the hide-a-key in the same spot…. yepp. Does no one change here?” I asked while opening the door.

Florals of every kind mixed into this nausea inducing smell.

Oh right, I forgot I was hungover. MUST. HAVE. WATER. NOW!

I took the steps two at a time, up the stairs into the kitchen like I still lived there and the years hadn’t gone by. He upgraded the coffee machine, must have done a lot of upgrades considering there was a lace bra draped over the back of the couch. Same drinking glasses and new, wine glasses?, how fancy!

thump…. “shit!”

“Who the hell is there? I have a gun and am not afraid to shoot an intruder.” The booming male voice yelled.

“Calm down. It’s just us,” my friend yelled back, “could you please lower your voice, I am extremeeely hungover. I vow to never drink again.” She had found the couch that I swore I would have in the divorce if we ever got married. I’ll laugh at that joke later when I have more time. She found a blanket (didn’t picture him as a throw blanket/ decorative pillow type) but now that I look at it, I think it may have been someone’s dress.

“You do realize you’re breaking and entering? Is it just you?” He sounded like he was putting jeans on. Not that I was thinking about him not wearing pants or remembering that he slept in only boxers.

Get your mind focused on the current situation.

“I’m here too.” I yelled only to realize I was in need of Advil and a good mouthwash.

I heard some mumbles.

“Welcome! You guys need some bacon?” He said swooping down the stairs like a night in shining no armor. He was shirtless. Did he get a new tattoo?

Focus!

“I’m good. But we have to invoke the don’t ask questions…” I said and then was interrupted by an accent pillow.

“I. MUST. BACON! FEED ME!” She said muffled under the dress she had over her eyes.

“Anything princess wants, princess gets!” He said walking into the kitchen.

“Bite me.”

I followed him.

“So we need to invoke the don’t ask questions rule we came up with year ago.” I said as he opened the refrigerator.

“You mean the one where I don’t ask you anything and you don’t tell me you’re moving away?” He grabbed the bacon and eggs.

I grimaced.

“You know I can keep a secret.” He said looking for the frying pan.

I went over to the cupboard and returned with it.

“Just because you used to live here doesn’t mean everything is the same.” He snapped.

Now that is the old boy I used to know. All this being extremely nice to me is weird.

“Don’t be bitter that nothing in this small town changes or you are still in the rut.” I said slamming the frying pan on the the counter and rushed away.

Again. I forgot I was hungover.

Try

Be thankful for the hard times, they will show you how strong you truly are. Be grateful for all things in your life and understand that there are some things out of your control. Believe and anything is possible. Positivity for the evening. Trying to remember to be thankful even though I feel stressed and panicky about life.

I’m BACK!

Being an adult sucks! First things first… I’m the realist. Sorry habit.

The newspaper I was working at filed for bankruptcy. The owner wrote me a bad check, my apartment threatened me with eviction, and the man of my dreams is battling alcoholism. How were your last 6 months? Positive. Adventurous. Motivating.

I learned a lot about myself. I am stronger than I think I am. I know that I can be strong even in moments where I cry and think I can’t do it. Because I know it will get better. I wasn’t motivated when I stopped writing. Personally, I needed to get my shit together. You know that “real job thing.”

I got the job and my life seems very content at the minute. So back to my stories. I hope you are ready for a new adventure or the continuation of an old one.

Thanks for sticking around.

Xoxo,

Summer Jade

Wrong kind of Attraction

I tried to envision what I wanted. I envisioned a job. I applied and applied and applied. Then finally after I thought all was lost I got the job. But I think something was lost in translation. Because the job didn’t have money to pay its employees. The checks were no good. People either quit or walked away. When I started everyone said it was because everything was influx. Now I understand when the man in my position previously left… they didn’t pay him! Why did this happen to me? Is this life lesson supposed to make me stronger? Because right now I am drowning.

I’ve never had an employer not pay me for my work. Do you have any advice for me?

Days like these…

Do you ever have days were you question why you are going through such a hard time? You think of just you because you are self-centered in this moment. You think that life sucks right now. And you write about it and share your frustration with the world. You wish you could be strong like the women you see on YouTube and Instagram that share their personal lives. But you just don’t feel like you have it in you right at this moment. You then think about the world. A global picture. How hard it is to live and actually grow up in this world and how selfish I was just a second ago. How you see the perfect images of peoples lives on social media and get envious. Why can’t my life be that glamorous? Popping champagne bottles of private planes!

I have so many thoughts. I mean hard times make you stronger, right?

Thoughts

Do you ever wish you could write a story about your life? Everything in the story would come true. If you could would you include all the hardships and heartbreaks? The moments where you wish you were living someone else’s life then know that everything will get better. Aren’t those moments supposed to make you into a stronger individual and help you grow?

Sometimes I do wish I could write stories for individuals lives and have those stories come true. Not just the story of my life from not on but others that are close to me and maybe people on the street to help them.

Thoughts for the day.

Strong 

My world fell apart when you left me. 

You said I was your soulmate. 

What happened? 

Why did you leave me? 

It feels like I’m spinning out of control.

And there’s no one there to catch me. 

But I am strong. 

I will make it through my dark times. 

The light is at the end of this tunnel. 

I finally see it!