The dream.

“Get your head out of your ass.”

“Yes, I know you are sad that I am no longer with you. But you need to live.”

The dream was so vivid I thought this time if I held my mom’s hand she wouldn’t leave me this time. She was dressed in a white flow gown that did nothing for her figure. It looked soft almost like it was made out of whatever clouds are made of. Marc was there that time. He gave me a hug and told me that I did the right thing. He reassured me that he was at peace.

Well, I’m sure you have a lot of questions. Honestly, I’m still processing everything and everyone needs to back the f* off. It feels like I’m not getting a break and that I never will. Part of me thinks that I’m not strong enough for this shit. But that was the 7th time I’ve had that dream. I think someone might have other plans for me. I’m not sure what those plans are but it might start with getting out of bed and not just to pee (thanks Ashton… I did read your update blogs.) I wonder if the garden is still there. The one my mom told me stories about. She would tell me that she found fairies there when she was younger and I always wanted to come here and find them.

I needed a sign that wasn’t in my dream that I was stronger than the things life was throwing at me. The garden was movie-like, completely covered in ivy. There was a big tree at the end opposite the gate. If I was younger it would have seemed like a giant secluded place to play and imagine. I sat on the ground next to the tree just imagining my mom running around looking for fairies. I must have fallen asleep again because Ashton woke me up. She looked like she was going to punch me in the face. She had been looking all over for me. No one knew that there was a garden back here. She sat down next to me and pointed to the tree. She asked if I had a knife on me… No?… she was worried I was going to harm myself. I swore that I didn’t. Then she pointed to the tree and asked if I had carved that in the tree.

Believe – E.

No, but I found my sign. The start of living!

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