He’s a winner. 

I’m freaking out! FREAK-ING! F.R.E.A.K.I.N.G  O.U.T! Sebastian is too perfect. You know like those guys that are only found in smutty romance novels, what is wrong with you boy? Ashton says this is just what I do when someone tries to get close. I run.

Okay, so you’re probably wondering how I came to this freakout and borderline panic attack? Well, Ashton’s mother knows how to throw a party! Even I’m impressed. That’s a rare thing; I’m never impressed over anything. Sebastian was there. He said he keeps thinking about me and that he wants us to be official. I wasn’t sure if it was the massive amounts of booze talking or if he was really serious. What if he is really serious?

Ashton found us cuddling (CUDDLING) in the bath! He was even being the big spoon. Dear sweet baby Jesus, what am I getting myself into? Ashton told me to stop thinking and to start feeling. I kind of feel numb, it’s only a matter of time before he breaks what’s left of my black heart.  I can’t start feeling, if I start feeling it will all come out. It will start with my mom’s death, dad’s career and jail time, what Logan did, what Ashton’s ex-scum Mark did, the celebrities that are heart broken, and end with spending money on things that are unnecessary. One thing you should know about me that even Ashton doesn’t know… I haven’t actually cried since my mom’s funeral. That was the last day I let myself feel weak and cry. I cried my eyes out. I don’t even think I have the ability to cry anymore.

I can’t let my feelings out. It would be too much. I just couldn’t handle that. I think he might want to get married someday, do you think I can handle getting married?!