Mother’s Life Lessons

The next day after I texted Gigi basically saying SOS. We decided I needed to spend one more day at my mother’s just to give it a good go. Mother finally was sober enough to do some actual quality time with me. But bonding time with my mother included our “family rules” and story time… Joy!

Rule 1: Stick to your shoes like fat sticks to your love handles. (Thanks mom. Love you too!)

Rule 2: Never dance on bars. Just don’t.

Rule 3: Always use a condom.

My mother is a lot of things but subtle is not one of them. There are certain things I should never need to know. For example, that one time she got the giant Lima bean wart on her big toe from dancing barefoot on a fraternity house floor. Well duh! You don’t know what substances have been on that floor and you know guys don’t clean things very well while they are in college. At least she got out of studying with her ex 2am buddy. She came home from getting the surgery and showed him her toe and well let’s just say he ran out of there like she said she loved him. That one made me laugh I could picture some butt-face guy running away with his tail between his legs.

This story was creepy. So mother was at a fraternity Halloween party one year. She emphasized that the house ran out of alcohol and how her roommate hated this girl and that this specific girls boyfriend had hit on her. Goals mother, am I right? SARCASM! So the night got worse… They were all dancing having a fabulous time when two dumb-dumbs decided it would be fun to dance on the bar. Well that was a terrible idea. One slipped and fell right off the bar. Landing on her neck. Mother grabbed her roommate and said “we have to leave! Now!” They both rushed to the door when two large guys who really could have passed for bounces rushed passed them and picked up the girl. She could not recall if the girl was still unconscious. All she could remember was she fell hard on her neck. The girl could have died.

Now this part was gross and I won’t go into too much details because unlike my mother I am modest and don’t bare all. Literally and figuratively. She posed for a magazine once completely nude, which is how she met my father. (But that is a totally different story!) Anyways, just picture this my mother sitting on the side of the pool this time with two stripper looking men hanging on her and one in the pool massaging her feet. Anyways she starts going on and on about condoms and how she thought she could never have kids because she had sex without condoms for years and contracted almost all the sexually transmitted diseases. Then she went on to the dirty details which the guys ate up. It was surprising because I’m pretty sure all of them have/ are sleeping with her. She then proceeded to untangle herself from her toys and hug me. Whispering that I was her miracle baby.

I love my mother but she has gone way too far this time. I’ll write more when I’m with Gigi. Need to get out of this house now!